Quotes

Computers | Religion | General Humor | Cynicism / Pessimism | Inspirational | Other | Gaming | Philosophy

Computers

Premature optimization is the root of all evil.

Donald Knuth, "Literate Programming"

To understand recursion, one must first understand recursion

Tina Mancuso

More than anything else, the greatest danger to good computer science research today may be excessive relevance.

Dennis Ritchie, Reflections on Software Research, 1983

Jon: It's the Blue Sky of Death! The world crashed!
Merav: Just so long as they don't reboot it with Windows 98.

The Snipe Sheet

In this wonderful capitalistic society, failure is always an option (provided the cost of failure is less than the cost of avoiding failure).

from the Everything2 writeup watchdog timer (thing) by hobyrne

Hamlet: 1000 monkeys, eternity.
Windows: 10 monkeys, about a week.
Windows NT: 10 monkeys, a copy of VMS, and two weeks.
AIX: 20 monkeys and a truckload of crack.
Mac OS: Monkeys aren't that stupid.
VMS: Monkeys aren't that evil.
Linux: Who needs monkeys when you have drunken Finns?
BSD: 100 monkeys, a bunch of duct tape, and some WD-40
BeOS: 100 monkeys and some glitter.
Orange book level A1: I can neither confirm nor deny that monkeys exist

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

Robert Firth

Religion

You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend.

Rich Jeni, on going to war over religion

Men rarely (if ever) manage to dream up a god superior to themselves. Most gods have the manners and morals of a spoiled child.

Robert Heinlein

General Humor

Bank Robbers Fail To Consider O'Reilly Factor

PITTSBURGH, PA — Would-be bank robbers Anthony Nesco, 34, and James Dumas, 36, were foiled Monday after failing to take into account the O'Reilly Factor. "Before they charged into [Fidelity Savings Bank] waving their guns, those two creeps should have thought about me and my tough-talking, straight-shooting, no-nonsense style," said Bill O'Reilly, host of Fox News Channel's The O'Reilly Factor and author of a best-selling book of the same name. "Normally, I take no prisoners, but I'll make an exception in the case of these two crum-bums: Lock 'em up and throw away the key, I say." O'Reilly added that it's absolutely ridiculous, the money these moddycoddled pro athletes make these days.

from The Onion

Red Rubber Ball

A mathmatician, a physicist, and an engineer were all given a red rubber ball and told to find the volume. The mathmatician carefully measured the diameter and evaluated a triple integral. The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the ball in the water, and measured the total displacement. The engineer looked up the model and serial number in his red-rubber-ball table.

Everything about the Superbowl is so over the top you gotta love it. That pregame show was a riot. Barry Manilow and Patti LaBelle! Hundreds of kids dressed up as red, white, and blue Lady Liberties! Former Presidents quoting Lincoln! Mariah Carey straight outta rehab! What the hell is going on? Who cares? I could almost see the director gesticulating wildly, imploring: "More outrageous! I want more OUTRAGEOUS!" It was like a big F.U. aimed at anti-American sentiments, a message to all the haters and perpetrators. You don't like our way of life? You think we're shallow and materialistic and prone to excess? Watch this. Yes. 'Twas a big overproduced glitzy star-spangled middle finger in the face of terror. And there's even a moral to the whole thing: Patriots win. Pure Hollywood. You gotta love it.

Tatsuya Ishida's "Notes From the Resistance" column, circa 6-Feb-2002

Consider the following axioms carefully: "Everything's better when it sits on a Ritz," and "Everything's better with Blue Bonnet on it." What happens when one spreads Blue Bonnet margarine on a Ritz cracker? The thought is frightening. Is this how God came into being? Try not to consider the fact that "Things go better with Coke."

Christopher Clark's email sig

Larry lived alone in his small inner city apartment. He had no friends and most people ignored him at all costs.

Then one day, unexpectedly, the phone rang. And Larry was surprised to find himself talking to God.

"Is this 555-3178?" God asked.
"No, this is 555-7138."
"Sorry." And God hung up.

Gary Larson

Batya: Stakes, garlic, holy water, and... communion wafers. Either that or Ritz crackers.
Chad: No, they're Jeez-Its... Everything tastes better when it's sittin' on the Body of Christ.
Sandy: Blaspheme-y goodness.
Alex: Mmmm, sacrelicious.

The Snipe Sheet

Batya: She'll be coming 'round the corner, when she comes.
Sandy: Or slightly before.
Batya: ...What?
Sandy: It got the desired effect, it didn't have to make sense.

The Snipe Sheet

I have two credit cards, a Discover Platinum which charges an exorbitant rate of 22.9% (not, as it happens, due to late payments on my part – it's a long and boring story) and a credit union Visa which charges 9.65%. They are frozen.

Not in the "the man decided they have to keep me down so he froze my assets" sense. They are both paid off. I decided I wanted to live without the temptation to use them for a while. So, I put them both in a ziploc bag full of water, and put it in the freezer.

If I see something that I think is really cool, and I want it, and I don't have the money in my account to get it, then I have to go home and thaw them out before I use them... not too great a hurdle, but enough to make me more careful.

I will probably thaw them when I buy the new computer, b/c I'm thinking of getting that before the end of January, rather than waiting until I've got the cash, just because I'm frustrated on several music projects and want the tools to work on them.

There's actually something really pleasant about not having the option to spend in my wallet.

Maybe I should stop carrying my ATM card too, and just carry cash...

Sean McGuire, from Deanna Rubin's Quote File

Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. At best he is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe, and not make messes in the house.

R. A. Heinlein, Time Enough for Love

Two gold fish were in a Tank..
One turns to the other and says
"You Man The Guns.. I'll Drive!"

Where in the hell did THIS frankenstein soda come from? This kind of thing should not appear in a store without someone having already heard about it and mocked it openly. Iím supposed to be warned about these kinds of things, itís like the only thing the webís really good for!

Patrick Lewis, on Diet Vanilla Cherry Dr Pepper

Cynicism / Pessimism

"A planet doesn't explode of itself," said dryly
The Martian astronomer, gazing off into the air -
"That they were able to do it is proof that highly
Intelligent beings must have been living there."

John Hall Wheelock, "Earth"

The more money an American accumulates, the less interesting he becomes.

Gore Vidal

They are the ones that enter The Establishment through the back door that says "This is not the establishment."

from the Everything2 writeup rebel by buying mass-market consumer products (idea) by swirlsbeforepine

The most merciful thing in the world, I think, is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents. We live on a placid island of ignorance in the midst of black seas of infinity, and it was not meant that we should voyage far. The sciences, each straining in its own direction, have hitherto harmed us little; but some day the piecing together of dissociated knowledge will open up such terrifying vistas of reality, and of our frightful position therein, that we shall either go mad from the revelation or flee from the deadly light into the peace and safety of a new dark age.

H. P. Lovecraft

And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music.

Friedrich Nietzsche

If the world were merely seductive, that would be easy. If it were merely challenging, that would be no problem. But I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world, and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

E. B. White

Language is a cracked kettle on which we beat out tunes for bears to dance to, while all the time we long to move the stars to pity.

from the letters of Gustave Flaubert (1821–1880)

It's rather embarrassing to have spent one's entire lifetime pondering the human condition and to come toward its close and find that I really don't have anything more profound to pass on by way of advice than, "Try to be a little kinder."

Aldous Huxley

Do you love?
Yes, I answer. Yes – and true love will never die.
Then I wake up screaming.

Stephen King, Nona

There is a reason for living. There must be. I've seen it somewhere. It's just that in the mess on my table ... and in my brain. I can't find it.

me (Jenda@Krynicky.cz)

Do not argue with the forces of nature,
for you are small, insignificant, and biodegradable.

Nothing spoils the taste of peanut butter like unrequited love.

Charlie Brown, Charles Schulz

"This dude who's got control of the White House now, he's gonna do a lot of damage," Cusack says. "I think people are gonna respond to all the hypocrisy of this Bush administration. He's sort of like this great sort of symbol of inversion to me — the inverse of the truth. It's like the ethics of the new millenium, the new dawn: All you have to do is say something and it's true. It doesn't matter if it's based on any core principle; it doesn't matter if it's based on any facts. The most important thing is the aesthetic. If you have a passionate aesthetic, that's all we need to do. All you have to do is say it. 'I'm Muslim.' But you don't actually ever go to a mosque. You don't have to give up pork. You don't have to do anything. You don't have to believe in Allah. You just say it. And maybe wear a turban. That's the level of the hypocrisy and stupitidy that's going on right now."

John Cusack, in an interview for Details Magazine, June 2001

As soon as men decide that all means are permitted to fight an evil, then their good becomes indistinguishable from the evil that they set out to destroy.

Christopher Dawson

Inspirational

If you have not tried these things, you should.
Because they are fun and fun is good.

Theodor Geisel (Dr. Seuss)

The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, delirious of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes "Awwww!"

Jack Kerouac, On the Road

We are all here to love each other and all living things. There is nothing else we have to learn and nothing else we have to do.

Author Unknown

He has achieved success who has lived well, laughed often and loved much;
Who has enjoyed the trust of pure women, the respect of
intelligent men and the love of little children;
Who has filled his niche and accomplished his task;

Who has left the world better than he found it,
whether by an improved poppy, a perfect poem, or a rescued soul;
Who has never lacked appreciation of earthís beauty or failed to express it;
Who has always looked for the best in others and given them the best he had;

Whose life was an inspiration; Whose memory is a benediction.

Bessie A. Stanley

Dream Big

If there was ever a time to dare, to make a difference, to embark on something worth doing, it is now. Not for any grand cause, necessarily... but for something that tugs at your heart, something that's your inspiration, something that's your dream.

You owe it to yourself to make your days here count. Have Fun. Dig deep. Stretch. Dream big. Know, though, that things worth doing seldom come easy. There will be good days. And there will be bad days. There will be times when you want to turn around, pack it up, and call it quits. Those times tell you that you are pushing yourself, that you are not afraid to learn by trying.

Persist. Because with an idea, determination, and the right tools, you can do great things. Let your instincts, your intellect, and your heart, guide you.

Trust. Believe in the incredible power of the human mind. Of doing something that makes a difference. Of working hard. Of laughing and hoping. Of lazy afternoons. Of lasting friends. Of all the things that will cross your path this year.

The start of something new brings the hope of something great. Anything is possible. There is only one you. And you will pass this way only once. Do it right.

Author Unknown

You donít grow old and stop dancing, you stop dancing and grow old.

Jessie M. Newburn

Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle. The world you desired can be won. It exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours.

Ayn Rand

We are each of us angels with only one wing, and we can only fly by embracing one another.

Luciano de Crescenzo

Be such a man, and live such a life, that if every man were such as you, and every life a life like yours, this earth would be God's Paradise.

Phillips Brooks

Donít let the fear of the time it will take to accomplish something stand in the way of your doing it. The time will pass anyway; we might just as well put that passing time to the best possible use.

Earl Nightingale

To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and to endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

If a man is called to be a streetsweeper, he should sweep streets even as Michelangelo painted, or Beethoven played music, or Shakespeare wrote poetry. He should sweep streets so well that all the hosts of heaven and earth will pause to say, "Here lived a great streetsweeper who did his job well."

Martin Luther King, Jr.

Other

Transhumanism is the philosophy that views death and taxes as engineering problems.

Romana Machado

Gaming

9 out of 10 PCs will gleefully enter "The Forest of No Return".

Carl Rigney

Philosophy

If you would be a real seeker after truth, you must at least once in your life doubt, as far as possible, all things.

Descartes